14 DAYS

I am itching for another 14 day challenge. Considering that I am having serious trouble with the ROTM this sounds ridiculous. I guess it is the hyper focus that appeals to me. Do nothing but that one room. Easier not to get side tracked.

So here is the deal. I did 3 rooms so far, I should have 7. 3 more are started. I will just pretend I am on a 14 day challenge and play catch up. I am going full speed into August so if I am honest with myself I have 5 rooms that need to be done just to be where I ought to be.

So. Off I go. Girls room here I come!

MONDAY RANT

The title should be enough of a warning.

I don't like myself today. I am sick of myself.

• I am done being fat and messy. 
• I am done being depressed and tired.
• I am done reaching out without feeling heard or seen or understood. 
• I am done doing the same redundant tasks day after day after day. 
• I am done letting my husband carry all the burden and feeling sorry for myself.
• I am done being too stupid to keep an eye on the clock to pick up my child on time. 
• I am done prepping meals and cleaning up the stupid kitchen. 
• I am done being the only one in this house who actually gets rid of things for a change. 
• I am done running from myself.
• I am done feeling stuck.
• I am done crying.

Wait. no. I am not. I'll go cry some more. 

HAPPYNESS IS...

...having a backyard. I love it. I am not sure how I survived the 4 years of my life without one. Lots of trips to the park, but that is simply not the same.

I never thought I would find solace in planting vegetables, but it is such a fun process. I start my plants from "scratch" by putting the seeds in little containers on the window sill in March. I love watching the dirt and the excitement when the first break through.

Here are a few things I learned from it about myself:

• I love starting things but have a hard time sticking with them. More then once, my plants stopped growing or even died, because I never got around to putting them into larger pots our outside.
• Redundant tasks are not for me. Weed? AGAIN?!?
• I expect to fail. This year, like many years before, I had too many plants and didn't know where to put them. AS I expected them not to survive I planted them rather close together. I also planted pumpkin, figuring they wouldn't grow. Now I have my very personal pumpkin jungle
• I get bored fast. This year's harvest isn't in yet and I am already plotting about what to seed and when next year.

Say hello to my tomatoes!

WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?

I am not sure if I told you about a certain bunch of women in my social circles. They have never been mean to me face to face. They always tell me how awesome I am. Most of them have been to my house for dinner or parties. At least half of them like to throw the "we have to get together and do something" at me on occasion.  And every time they do get together they "forget" to invite me. Our community is small and word would and does get around. My big issue was that they would discuss their parties in front of me without ever inviting me. One time they were sitting on my patio, eating my food. Talking about how much fun they had last time and how much they are looking forward to next time. 3 of them. With me there. RUDE!

It used to make me sad. I would cry and ask myself:"Why don't they like me?"

For a while I thought I was over it. But I think I only thought so cause I just never heard about their parties anymore. My friend Heather said they are not having them at the moment. Now one of them is moving away and they are going out to dinner. Heather asked me if I got a FB message from a certain someone. No indeed I did not. "Oh, never mind then." "Oh, do tell, I don't care," I said. Yes. Farewell dinner at a restaurant. With everyone BUT me it looks like.

Again.

I guess I do care.

The kids were in bed. I was weeding. For the first time I wasn't sad. This time I was angry. "What have I ever done to you," I asked. I kept pulling weeds. Then I wondered if I was asking the wrong questions. Maybe I should ask:"What have I ever done FOR you?"

"Nothing," I thought, "I have never done anything for you." I kept weeding. Then I thought:"I invited you for Thanksgiving dinner and you canceled the day before and left me without pies. Because you had so much homework. I gave you 2 dressers. I gave you kitchen ware and drinking glasses. Here we go again. Why on earth is everybody short on drinking glasses? I gave you a wardrobe and spent an evening putting it together for you, cause neither you, nor your husband knows how to handle power tools. I had you over for dinner and you were one of the 3 mentioned in the first paragraph."

Maybe I am still asking the wrong questions. Maybe the real questions are:"Why does this bother me so much? Why can't I let it go?"

I think I'll go and pull more weeds. That at least yields results!

WEEDING

My neighbor spotted me pulling some weeds in my front yard and told me that she always did that right after it rained. Cause then the dirt is moist and soft and the weeds just kind of slip out with a little tug. How awesome. Sorry. Can't appreciate that kind of input at the moment. I have 3 times as many kids as she does, plus more of mine are younger hers, than she has total. 

I am sure there is a perfect time for weeding. Like an overcast morning right after it rained, to avoid the heat, the wet, the dust. But guess what. The perfect time to weed for me is when I actually have time AND the desire to do it. And let me tell you. When the weeds are higher than you are, it is definitely not the WRONG time. 

I wish I had taken before and after picks. You'd be SO impressed! I cut the roses back 4 feet in some places. They were so overgrown that they had to grow 3 feet just to get some sunlight. And even though they had to put that much energy into growing the bloomed like crazy. I hope the will be able to put even more of their energy into new blossoms.

I came across some discourage peonies that were so overgrown I didn't even see them at first. I pulled out weeds that were taller then me. I saved pumpkin from the strangle hold of some ivy-grape-look-a-like. I hope the tomatoes will appreciate the extra sunlight and that the pumpkin won't mind that I encouraged it to grow away from the tomatoes instead of over it.

I know the lemon balm will forgive me for pulling it out with the rest to make life easier for me and will just be back next year. Or sooner. I think I pulled out a cubic meter of weeds. 

I am awesome! 

GLASS RECYCLING

Lets talk about the recycling "incident" one more time. It wasn't over just because I passed them and didn't save the glasses. I had to go past them AGAIN to pick up Luke. On the way back from school I heard the glass recycling truck so I thought I was save. But guess what. I might have heard the truck but it hadn't been on my street yet. 

Not only were the drinking glasses still there, but I noticed that the box one house down had drinking glasses in it, too! Nicer looking ones even. Do you know how hard it was to keep going? I could have been a hero! New glasses for free! I am not sure how I made it past them. I guess I picked up my pace. 

I just looked ahead and kept walking. My desire to acquire (oh that rhymes very nicely) grew even stronger. Just 3 houses from the safety of my own home I saw the cutest vase in one of the boxes, I think I already started reaching for it when I noticed it was broken.  LUCKY ME!

The real question is:"Why am I scanning boxes full of trash?" Obviously my subconscious is looking for treasure. Something deep inside of me is hoping to find something worth saving. I can't explain it any other way. Why would you scan boxes full of recycling unless you thought there was something in it you considered worth getting out?


Editors note: Glass was out again last week. I spotted more drinking glasses. HAHAHA!

A GLIMMER OF HOPE

I found this draft today. I wish I could say I still feel this way. I don't. But I guess that is the problem with depression. Resurfacing is a journey not a one time experience. I need to sit down and evaluate what went differently a few weeks ago, I really do want to feel like this again:

I am not sure what happened. Hope is back. I am happier, more relaxed. I deal with stress better. Maybe my 6-8 month depression cycle is simply up. Or maybe it is all the extra sunlight i am getting with the days getting longer again.

James was sick last week. So was I. This is what went on Thursday.

I had 1 child home sick from school with potential stomach bug. James spaced his dental appointment. (that's the 3rd appointment we have spaced in 3 months, yikes). This meant that I had to go to the dentist so they could read Matt's health insurance card before it is too late, which THEY forgot last time he went. I had to do the piano run and of course the guy with the heating oil delivery that should have happened 3 weeks ago showed up 2 min before I wanted to leave, and yes, I had completely forgotten about it. I realized my washer is dead (great when the kids are puking. Simply great). I supervised homework with the rest, read with them, the doorbell rang, yes Alex forgot about his music lessons, so I rushed him back into town so he got at least 15 of the 30 min. We planted some of or vegetable seeds. By 11 pm the sick child finally puked. Across the room of course.

Here is what I didn't do.

- I did NOT turn to comfort eating
- I did NOT cry
- I did NOT yell at anyone

Here is what I did. I used my waiting time until pickup after music lessons for 2 10 min power walks. I went on a walk with Luke, even though it was getting dark cause he really, really, really wanted to go outside again. I held his little hand and talked and talked even though I think he didn't understand me. I told myself that I did a good job not only mastering this day but mastering it happy and calmly.

There. Hope.

THURSDAY! AT LAST!

Do you have those weeks? That seem to have at least on extra day? There is so much going on again at the moment. I want to curl up and sleep. Or cry. I know I have an easy life. No one is seriously ill. We are off well. We live in peace. Why is it so hard to cope? What is wrong with our society that we can't be happy anymore? I look at my friends and see them silently falling apart. All those wonderful women think they are losers. They think they don't do enough. The feel like they fail at everything they do.

I don't want to feel like that. Just yesterday James told me that I am not failing,that I am doing great and that I do many things. I still feellike I am failing. I really don't want to feel like that. I took the afternoon off. I sat on the patio, played with the baby, chatted with a friend, watched the kids play in the kiddie pool. Life is so good. I just need to slow down and enjoy it. 

A HOARDER'S NIGHTMARE

I think I told you about our plans to expand the attic and add 2 rooms up there? Well. Guess what. Those plans really are taking shape and today the architect who will make the plans showed up. He told me he needed to measure the attic. Last week he mentioned that he would be here for about 3-4 hours but that he would need nothing from me he would just take his measurements. I asked James why on earth measuring the attic would take so long and his explanation was:"I guess he will just measure every corner." Stupid me swallowed that. 

I had a bad day yesterday. Things didn't go as planned. In theory I would have had more time to get things done but in real life that simply didn't happen as I was frozen and could not adapt to the change of plans. So today I got a bit of work in before the architect showed up. But far from enough and I decided I will just shut the doors to all the bedrooms and he can measure the attic.

So *dingdong* there he is. First thing he tells me:"I will need to take a few pictures." As if that had not been mortifying enough next thing he tells me that he can't just draw plans with just the attic, he will need to measure every single room in the house. Yes. Every. Single. Room. EVERY! SINGLE! STINKING! ROOM! I was mortified. Besides hoping to die on the spot, or for the ground to split and swallow me whole, there was not much I could do. Sure enough he didn't start with the attic, but with the messy house. He never made it to the attic. He ran out of time. He will be back next week.

I am not sure if this is my chance to redeem myself or if the third visit to my completely cluttered house will seal my fate and ruin my reputation forever. That's what you get for hiring people you know instead of complete strangers.

I wish I had a clean house and cleared attic by next Wednesday. SO. NOT. HAPPENING. *sigh*

WILL LIFE EVER BE NORMAL?

I had a bad day. A very bad day. I started it crying, feeling low. I ended it talking to the police about a stolen bike. Alex lost his key. Obviously someone found it. Took the bike for a ride across town, dumped it. My husband found it. And now that we are putting all the pieces together it seems that the kids who took it chatted with him about having seen the bike abandoned on the path and they were kind enough to put it up by the fence. I found the lock, right where the bike used to be. Unfortunately the key hasn't surfaced. Seriously if you take my son's bike and manage to break things in the less than 2 hours you had it. Can't you at least return the key to my house? Our are you planning to stop and check if I have laptops, phones and other stuff lying around? Our prime suspect had the nerve to help look for the key and offered to bring it by in case he found it. I told him it would do just fine if he dropped it off at the police station. May they catch him next time.

The police just called me. As I found the lock open and I know it was locked around 4 pm they are treating it as a theft (including all the paperwork). They made me retrieve the lock that we threw away where we found it, and I have to come in to write up a report. I am just "thrilled". I think I will take the bike in, too. Just in case. I have watched enough CSI to know what to do. HAHAHA

If there is a special purgatory for bike thieves, I shall volunteer to shovel coal to keep it burning for 5 years. 1 year for every bike that has been stolen from us in this town. Oh wait. Make that 6 years. One for every bike that was stolen since we got married.

Editors note: Make that 7....

AOSKDHGP OIRAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I had a bad day. Don't expect any witty headlines from me. Don't expect anything from me. I feel like I got nothing accomplished. I hate those days. No matter how much or how little I did, I feel like I haven't done enough. And then my friend who gets 10 times as much accomplished as I do calls me and tells me she is such a loser. Oh well. Join the club. 

I did ship off my box of sold books and got rid of a bag of clothes. And I helped Matt sort through a few things. I don't think we got rid of anything. But at least it is not in a pile anymore. Oh well. Tomorrow is a new day. Here is to feeling better tomorrow. 

FRIDGE PSYCHOLOGY

So I took a long look at my fridge. guess what. I think the clutter on my fridge represents the clutter in my home pretty well. 

Whats on my fridge?

• A birth announcement. It's a cute little card. I am sure it cost a bit of money. Even though I have no emotional attachment to the child, it's a friend's grandchild I feel I have to keep I wouldn't properly honor my friend's joy and it would be a wast to throw away the card. 
• A teacher's note on how to properly do the "mascot diary". Their class has a mascot and the kids take turns taking it home. And of course you have to write a report. It went up on the fridge so I wouldn't lose it.
• Appointment slips: I do write my appointments down in the calendar, but I keep them on the fridge, too, in the hopes of it improving my chances of not  forgetting about them
• Cards from friends. Usually funny stuff. Definitely sentimental value. 
• 2 more school related pieces of paper
• A picture of me from slimmer times. (Not photo shopped)
• A note from the music teacher, wanting to reschedule classes, this too, stayed up as a reminder. 
• 2 photos of children
• a dinner plan (uhm yes, I really need to work on that)
• a sheet with kids chores, so last season and I am not sure why it is there

So lets sum this up. There is stuff that I think I can't throw away, even though I don't want it. There is stuff that I think will help me get organized, but more often then not I can't find it. At least 4 pieces of paper on the fridge were out of date.

So what did I get rid of? I tossed the out of date notes and reminders, the "baby" (that was the hardest) and one of the "sentimental" cards. (the one with the smallest emotional attachment).

What is my personal conclusion? 

• I need a better system to stay on top of appointments, so I worry less about missing them.
• I have to stay "up to date".
• Sentimental stuff is okay, as long as it stays with in a certain limit.
• My fridge needs to be washed down.   

YOUR FRIDGE

The other day I read an article about clutter. Whoever did this little survey/study had the brilliant idea to compare the front of the fridge with the rest of the house. They came to the interesting conclusion that the more stuff you have on the front of the fridge the more clutter is congesting your house. I found it all very interesting until I came to the conclusion of the article and read their solution. 

Clear the front of your fridge! Seriously? What a bunch of morons! That is like recommending to photo shop your hips if you want to lose weight.

I understand the idea. But lets face it. Your fridge is a mere reflection of your "organizing style". I really want to have a clutter free house. So I started pulling stuff of my fridge. Very reluctantly I must admit. I stopped after 2 things. I took a step back and took a good look at my fridge. It was a light bulb moment. Only 20 watts or so, no more, but still. 

To be continued... 

I DID IT

I survived 12 days as a single mom with 6 kids. We only messed up on piano. the rest got done and quite a bit more. Like starting school with Luke which was not on the agenda just 1 month ago. Or getting everything ready for passports next week. Somehow it feels like James never was gone. Somehow everything is a little awkward and we need to find our family rhythm again.

James and I wondered if we could plan a night out together next week but the only semi free night is Tuesday. He is optimistic, but somehow I don't see it happening.

I think I will just have to stick with 1 day at a time for the next few weeks. I must admit that getting things done as soon as possible helps a lot.

I think I will just stick with detailed daily plans until things slow down a little.