EASTER 2016

Happy Easter! This morning of glory that brings hope to all of them he believe in Him has come again. I am glad we celebrate every year. Not only because I love the message of the risen Messiah, but also because with memorable repetitive dates like Easter, Christmas, birthday we  can look back and see how far we have come in a year. 

I swear a year ago I blogged about not being able to throw ot the dye for the Easter eggs. As I thought it might still be "useful". A mental post I assume. But guess what. No problems like that this year. We can change. Maybe just a little at a time but looking back we will see just how much we have changed over an extended period of time!

ENDURING VS ENJOYING

Why is it so hard to enjoy things right now? I went for a walk, beautiful weather and 3 of my children with me, yet I ended up sitting on a bench crying. Maybe I should have left the children at home. So I could have gone at my own pace. But than I would have felt bad for not taking them. A friend of mine has a different philosophy. She says:"The parents were there first. The children came later. Therefore the children's needs come after the parent's needs." Well. Yes. I can see how you draw that conclusion. But I invited these children to join my family. For the fulfillment of many of their needs they depend on me. There has to be balance in my opinion. And priorities. For many times I went walking Mo-Fr. At 6 am. First with a friend, then by myself, then with another friend. It was possible cause I was selfish and went to bed at 10 pm. I told James I  was not going to watch another movie or show as I needed my sleep so I would get up at 6 am to walk. I have been attempting to walk again at 6 am. But merely trying to get out of bed at 6 is the wrong approach. Getting to bed at 10 pm is the way to do it. I'll be selfish and stop watching that much TV. Take last night. We saw a movie I didn't care much about. The plot was boring and I was blogging and on FB with the movie running on the side. I would have been better off in bed. Bevor we started the movie I was looking for my laptop and couldn't find it. Thought without my laptop I won't watch anything. There you go. I don't even want to watch it. Curfew 10 pm. I can do this.

And hopefully soon I will be able to enjoy things again.

SICK, 3rd WEEK

I am so done being sick. Every time I think I am over this strange cold it comes back. Today it decided to settle in my sinuses and cause a head ache. I can barely do maintenance like that, never mind decluttering. It also caused a very bad mood. I am SO DONE tripping over things. I am so done watching piles grow in random places. Seriously. How do other people deal with life? Is it this hard for everyone? I thought I was getting a grip on things but being under the weather constantly is not helping.

WHAT NOW?

After officially being diagnosed the big question is:"What will I do about it?" Well, for one I will stop letting depression jerk me around. Everybody says I am strong. Let's see it. I have been on a few walks lately. I have also told myself when I felt like crying that this wasn't me. It didn't always stop me from crying, but it helped me get over it faster and it also helped me to keep going. 

It is what it is, but it doesn't have to stay this way. I wonder if taking care of oneself is as easy a task as the others make it sound.

I am tired. I am so tired I am cross eyed. the baby was fussy, Luke threw up all over the place, and yes when the poor little soul drenched in vomit had to throw up again the moment I got him to the bathroom I let him sit there and ran for cover. 3 am is not a good time to be puke on. No time ever is. James has been feeling under the weather all week. I did most of the taxi rides for the kids, I went shopping today, I cooked today and prepped the slow cooker meal for tomorrow, I could go on and on with what last week did to wear me out but I will stop boring you to death and go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

OFFICIALLY DIAGNOSED

A few weeks back I was officially diagnosed with depression. Didn't come as a big surprise to be honest. Once again it was liberating. That overwhelmed person, too tired, so exhausted, is not me. The immense need for sleep? Even during the day? A symptom! My insane craving for sweets? Another symptom!

None the less I needed to let this settle for a bit before I "told the world". Matter of fact, I think I already told my 2 faithful readers. Why not tell straight away? Well. I am okay with suffering form depression. I am just not sure my surroundings will be. Why should I care? Well. Because for too many of them depression and suicide come hand in hand. Not for me. I have not once considered taking my own life. Self harm? Well, if you count overeating yes, but other than that? No. I am not sure if I am ready for a bunch of friend watching my every move to make sure I don't jump off the next bridge.

I guess what they say is true. I am a strong woman. I am a depressed hoarder, but my kids are fed and have clean clothes, the house has been a lot worse than it is now, the kids get rides to activities and support with school work. James and I are TOTALLY pulling this off. 

I am strong. The crying is symptom. This, too, will pass. And once it is over, I will be stronger because of it!

1 DOWN, 3 TO GO - ROTM

Believe it or not, I ALREADY dealt with 1 of the baskets. True. "Already" might not be the correct term.  I DEALT WITH IT! Yes, I cheated a little and put some stuff in other baskets. But only because I really needed the empty basket to do laundry. I was only able to do that because I have been taking things out of the other baskets, too. I put things back where they belong. I fixed things, I tossed things. I DEALT WITH IT! I might want to step it up a little. I don't want to be working on this for another month, but I DEALT WITH IT! Yes, I know, I already mentioned it. Deal with it. hahaha!

THE BASKETS OF HORROR

4 Baskets. 4 horrific baskets. I moved them from the girls' room to the boys room. I told them 1 day. 4 days later they are still there. Yes. I am dealing with them. But I am far from done. I am halfway through the first. Most of it ist stuff that actually needs to be dealt with. And every item that I can simply toss I have to earn. Puzzle pieces, Barbie shoes, pens. Legos. LEGOS. Always Legos. The boys gave me permission to keep the baskets there for a little bit longer. I know if I move those baskets back into the girls room they will tear them apart and stuff will be everywhere. AGAIN! I don't think that I can handle that at the moment. 

I have made progress. I really have. And it was easier than expected. One day at a time. 

ROTM - FYI

FYI: The room of the month is the downstairs bathroom and I got it done LAST WEEK! Yes. Last week. Seriously. I washed the tiles and got rid of the hard water deposits on the faucet by soaking it in vinegar. So there. Good enough. Trust me. The cabinets are organized and I will not burden myself with taking them apart just for protocol.

My house fairy and I also spent almost 30 min in the girls' room just picking up stuff that was lying around, throwing it into baskets. Can you believe it? No sorting, just pick up and toss it in a basket. Okay, so maybe I sorted a tiny bit, but almost nothing. We didn't even manage to vacuum in those 30 min, Just pick stuff off the floor and then I sent her off before we were done so she could catch her bus. 

Now I am left with 4 baskets to pick through and a table with a 15 in layer of stuff on it to go through. Oh and never mind the book shelf. But let us not look into a bleak future up a steep rocky path ending in the clouds making me think I can never reach the top. Lets look back and enjoy the view of the now empty floor. I can do this. Yes, yes, I can.